Sharks With Frickin' Laser Beams...

See ya. Adios. Au Revoir. Ciao.

2007-06-03T11:23:00.000-04:00

The time has come to shut this blog down. My evil work life is finally over and it's time for me to take back my personal and social life and enjoy the summer.

Thanks for stopping by!

It's Almost OVAH!

2007-05-13T05:14:00.000-04:00

Well, it's 5:14 AM on Sunday. I am working. I got stuck with the evil 1am -8am shift. Then, I have to drive into the office today at 9pm and work until 3am tomorrow. Yuck. But, all my horrible work hours and work stress is almost over! I will NEVER do another merger technology thingy again.

Right now, I'm all hopped up on caffeine from the hot tea I had and I've cleaned the kitchen, finished a book, boiled some eggs, brushed the dog and I'm contemplating vacuuming. Damn, I should stay up and "work" all night more often. NOT.

And I'm not really "working". I'm on call in case something goes awry with some technical crap. I dial into calls every 2 hours. They last approximately 6 minutes. I guess it could be worse...technical crap-esque things could be going horribly wrong right now and there could be much panic. We have to be all finished with this merger basically Monday morning.

OK, I'm tapped...I will leave you with this. More weird fun facts about LoTI:

1) I have 2 godmothers, but no godfather.
2) I don't use any drinking glasses in my house. Either I'm drinking bottled water, or something in a mug. Not coffee. I hate coffee.
3) I've never had cottage cheese. Or grits. Or oatmeal/cream of wheat (WTF is that, anyway?). Or stuffing. They all might taste fine, but they look like yak. I just can't put vomitous lookin' food in my mouth.

I Am Losing It (not LOOSING)!

2007-04-30T18:34:00.000-04:00

So I'm on the way home from work today, as I had to stay late and calm down my damn business partners from their daily freak out...I already have an e-mail from them on "what went wrong today". Nice.

Anyway, I'm on my way home and I switch over my stereo to NPR and I just lost it.

They were doing a story on....

European Mute Swans in Maryland. And no, it wasn't the local segment for Maryland. Seriously? There are even things CALLED European (you're-a-pee'in?) Mute Swans?

I am in dire need of many, many, many drinks. 14 days to go until merger hell freedom! Send alcohol (drinkin', not rubbin') stat.

When Will Then Be Now?

2007-04-26T20:35:00.000-04:00

Crap. It's been a while since I last posted.

I'm still working my ass off. Sadly, not my literal ass. That requires me to find time to exercise. Which I'm trying to do...if only to alleviate some stress.

Why am I working so hard? I asked myself that recently...we are almost done with a merger that has taken about 18 months. We have 16 days left. And then at the end, we will be converting MILLIONS of accounts from a 3rd party system onto our own company systems. I am actually on the "merger" team and head up an entire portfolio of projects. Sounds thrilling, right? Blech. Trust me, even I want to keel over when I hear my job. When it's all over, I know we'll have a big re-org and this is my potential for either 1) a promotion, 2) if not a promotion, then possibly my "pick" of jobs, and/or 3) some other kind of recognition. I'm at a turning point in my career. That's why I'm working so hard. If anything, I'll have some kick ass stuff to put on my resume and when I look for another job, I can look "upwards" in the career path, at a director level. Woo-hoo! Supposedly, we also get some kind of downtime when this is all over, which will be very nice. Sigh.

In other news:

Found out that some of my immediate family members are stupider than I thought when it comes to finances. They will have to get themselves out of the mess they created. Love 'em , but holy jebus...I think they have malfunctioning eyeballs or something.
I also found out that some of my non-immediate family members were directly affected by the VT tragedy and they are having a rough time of it. My cousin, who is 17 and a HS senior, lost a very good friend, and also a neighbor. And my aunt knew both girls and the gunman (she works at the HS where they all went). My cousin has elected not to attend VT, and I don't blame her. She doesn't want to get classes that are held in the building where her friend was killed. Basically, we are just trying to comfort my aunt and cousins as best we can.
On a good note, I found out that my stupid potential medical issue, who I named "Carlos", is not really doing anything bad to me, and can now be checked on a yearly basis, rather than every 6 months! Yay for Carlos behaving himself! Yay for no more vampiric blood sucking for a while. Yay for no surgery that might impede my vision, or my ability to be super witty (HA).
And on another good note, I might get to go to London this summer. I finally get to see some damn family jewels.
Speaking of jewels, I took a whole 4 hours off work (first time off this year!) last Friday and went to the Jewelry Show in Baltimore. Got me some nice 'lil mini bling. Sparkly!

Hope you all had/are having a great week. This post has been kinda lame, but hey, I can blame Carlos, and work, and Carlos...

A Good One...

2007-04-12T18:51:00.000-04:00

Joke sent by my dad....Mr. O' the Irish:

Terror alerts in Europe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

My Knockers...

2007-04-10T21:18:00.000-04:00

So, since The Mighty Dyckerson is soooo keen on seein' my knockers, I must tell you this: My knockers are not suitable for photography. Mostly because I don't have knockers, I have just one doorbell, as my home is newer construction.

First and foremost, here you go, Dyck.

OK, OK, that's not my ACTUAL doorbell. I'll stop being a total smartass now.

Instead of my knockers, I really prefer they be called my maracas. And I present them to you now....I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM DOING THIS:

I have totally named each of my maracas, but that's another story for another time.

Bleck

2007-04-09T21:11:00.000-04:00

Bleck. Besides being Monday. And work. And tiredness. And work...work...work. I'm in frickin' "Office Space" hell combined with Dilbert. Times 10. We have a giant tear off calendar in the break room at work with the countdown until D-Day (which could stand for disaster...I guess we'll find out in about a month). I just want to go on vacay. ARE WE THERE YET?

I feel blecky. You know, the weather is cold and then probably due to that, my rings feel way loose on my fingers and I can't even delude myself that it's because I'm getting fit, etc. Yeah, no. I've been too exhausted to consistently work out. Some days I eat right. Some days I don't eat that much. And some days I eat badly. And I can't even delude myself into thinking it's all balancing out. OMG, I've yawned 3 times already writing this. Bleck. At the moment, the feeling I'm going with is: fugly blob.

Seriously, is it Friday yet? I have a sneaking suspicion that by Friday, I'll feel way less blecky and fugly blob-y. Oooh, good name for a band: Fugly Blobby and the Bleckmeisters.

My apologies for a random-ass, pointless post. Yawn.

Gak! Sniffle. Whimper...

2007-04-03T21:44:00.000-04:00

Nothing much new. Work still sucks. It's 9:45pm and I'm still working...although I've really spent the last hour attempting to file e-mails and clean up my inbox some. I barely made a noticeable dent. Mostly because I had to send e-mails in response before filing them away. GAK.

My company is trying to something nice for us daily, to keep us motivated until our "big bang" stuff in May. Yesterday it was snacks in the afternoon (chips and such). Today it was "healthy eating" with fruits and veggies. Which I'm all over. Except they put it out at 9:30 AM. All of it. So I went in, got some fruit and decided to pass on the veggie tray with ranch dip. Not in the mood for "ranch breath" that early. Except I got caught up in stuff and didn't have time to go to the trusty deli to grab lunch. Couldn't be late for the meeting with the big cheese VP (VP of Cheez Whiz). So, I went back in and got tomatoes and carrots and dip for lunch. And leftover chips from yesterday that I had snagged. Nothing says "let's feel full" than eating tomatoes and carrots. SNIFFLE.

And to top it off, I had some serious eye issues today. I don't really have allergies in the spring that get bad, but for some reason, I got ye olde Pollen Eye yesterday when it was windy and I walked the dogs. And I rubbed my eyes a lot last night. So today, my eyes are just sore. Not red. Not puffy. Not watery. Just kinda dry and sore. Like Pink Eye without the gunk and crustiness. Ewww. Point is...I think I spent the entire day inadvertently winking at the 3rd floor. And tomorrow I have a NINE HOUR MEETING. Where I may end up winking at peers, bosses, big cheeses, etc. I know I need to go on a friggin' date at some point this year, but damn. Not from inadvertent winking. WHIMPER.

Have a happy Wednesday everyone. Wink, wink. Ow.

Egads!

2007-03-26T20:15:00.000-04:00

I'm all in a kerfluffle! Not really, I just wanted to say kerfluffle.

Damn. This is supposed to be my last really bad week at work. I have a feeling it won't be. In fact, the stress is so bad, it's fucked up my immune system and I got some weird illness last week. I really should expense the meds I had to buy.

Things that overly annoy me this week:
1) people
2) people who drive cars on the same road I am on
3) consultants at work (not quite qualifying as "people")
4) grocery stores that suck
5) 8:30 am to 7 pm

Things that have made me not lose it this week:
1) pedicure on Sunday with my friend
2) seeing my friend's super cute 3 year old
3) new shoes (on sale...SCORE! Hell, I have to score something.)

Damn. Maybe I am in a kerfluffle. Or having a conniption fit.

The Exciting Nightlife of LoTI

2007-03-19T20:25:00.000-04:00

Lately, every weekday evening has pretty much been the same. Work, stress, work, eat dinner, feed dogs, work, play with dogs, work some more and turn around to see a typical canine scene:

Dog #1 - hot as hell, from chasing his toy for the umpteenth kabillion time. Seriously, he sounds like a 1-900# with all the damn panting.

And Dog #2? Well she is so delicately and daintily nibbling on the ASS of her favorite stuffed toy, a blue unicorn we accidentally stole from my mom's house. We've had it since October. I washed it and the tail fell off, due to the fact it was hanging on by a thread from months of nibblage. Now, she's ever so sweetly trying to pull the stuffing out of it's butt. Nice.

Next time, I'm getting cats. NOT. a) allergies, b) litterboxes, and c) ornery-ness. This orange cat that belongs to someone, not sure who, has been spraying the shrubbery of houses along my street. We got all good and stinkified last week while chatting with some of my neighbors during the nice weather. I saw it spraying my nice new landscaping. I later got my male dog to go over and pee on the shrub. Maybe that will be some kind of cat piss deterrant.

So, I get home from work today and my neighbor Joe tells me that apparently the damn orange cat somehow got stuck in his garage for a couple days and when he opened the door today, it shot out and took off. Except that it had sprayed everything in his garage. Including his vintage WWII truck that he works on to escape his wife/daughter/5 cats. When the wife cleans, he comes outside to either work on his truck or wash all their cars. I keep telling him that my car is available for washage, too. Anyway, he asked if I saw the cat in the street, could I just sort of steer towards it? Sure. My car's under warranty for another 5,000 miles. Except I don't want to pick ornery stanky cat out of the front grill. Maybe I'll just honk and scare the, well...not piss, out of it.

My Week Is Complete...

2007-03-12T20:21:00.000-04:00

Already. It's only Monday. And yet, the following "completes me":

- someone madly searching for "dum dum dress" and landing on my blog
- and someone searching for "nun eats poop"

And no, I did not, once again, have any steak in Omaha. What the hell? How is it I go to Omaha and Texas for work and NOT have steak? Although I did have a lot of alcohol, so that appeases me. For now. Meanwhile, the "m" key has fallen off the keyboard of my work laptop. A couple weeks ago, it was the "c" key. Conspiracy?

My Life...

2007-03-05T20:35:00.000-05:00

Just gets better and better.

Last week, I had bloodwork done. Apparently the doctor checked off so many tests on the stupid form, that they had to print out 2 orders for me to take back to the lab, with approximately 2 feet of stickers for all the vials they would need to label.

You know it's bad when the phlebotomists (yes, it's a real word!), a.k.a. blood sucker ladies:
1) tell you to sit in Chair #1, then decide they wish they hadn't told you that once they look at your orders on the 2 sheets.
2) think about playing a practical joke on you by taking out more empty vials than actually needed, but then decide against it when my eyes get real big after she takes out the 8th or so LARGE size vial that they really do need. And then proceed to tell me how they were going to play the joke on me, but decided against it. Yeah, thanks for that.
and,
3) have a need to insert some kind of rubber tubey think into my arm to basically extract everything my aorta can produce in 5 minutes. Five. Slow. Minutes. And then the "aortic extraction device" leaves my hand numb and that rubber tie thingy around my arm leaves a wonderful red mark. Like a bad tribal arm band tattoo. Except possibly more painful.

Oh yeah, and I have poor circulation to begin with. Which made the whole thing that much more fun. Eff you, bloodsucker ladies.

And to top it all off, I get to go to Omaha this week. Maybe the bloodsucking isn't so bad...

Ahhh, Spring...

2007-03-02T18:12:00.000-05:00

So maybe it's not spring yet, but it sure was nice today. Makes me wish summer were here, because a) I'd be done with the majorly evil part of my job and, b) I could give a serious make UNDER to my dog.

BEFORE (observe the copious hairiness)

AFTER (yes, people laughed...my neighbors know who they are!) Trust me, he feels 1000 times better, is more active, and way less hot. Plus, people think he's a lab puppy. Except, he's almost 9. And yes, his hair grew back just fine in time for winter.

I Know It's Time To Get A Life When...

2007-02-27T20:12:00.000-05:00

My dog has an "O" face, and I do not:

And just for you, Katherine...the dresses (see they TOTALLY need new cute shoes, right???)

dum, Dum, DUM!!!

2007-02-24T21:16:00.000-05:00

I must be out of it. I bought 2 dresses today. Me! ME! Dresses! Shopping (not a big fan of malls and stores and dressing rooms, and people with strollers in malls, and kids running a-muck in the mall, and generally malls, malls, malls). I went to one of these evil mall places on a SATURDAY. Because I am clearly losing my mind. And I did some trying on. And I did some liking of they way they looked. DRESSES! This is big, people. Yeah, yeah, I love cute shoes, and I have skirts that I sometimes wear to work in spring/summer, but to be honest, I work in IT. With the most typical IT people you can think of. Like "Office Space". Except without the ties and dress shirts. So I slack off with my work clothes and generally stick to slacks, sweaters and cute shoes. Which is still way more dressed up than pretty much anyone around me. I'm a manager, so I figure I should look quasi-business like/ish/esque. But now I have dresses. Who knows...maybe I'll have a date or two this year and I can actually wear them! With cute shoes, of course... Hmmm...maybe I need to go get some shoes to wear with the dresses. Damn.

Damn Genetics...

2007-02-19T21:48:00.000-05:00

So today, I'm hanging out with some family and we head to DC to take my gramps to the WWII memorial, seeing as he's 90, and was in D-Day and all, and thought he should see it. Before he dies. Yeah, for many years now, my gramps has claimed that he was going to die soon. It's now a big joke and we have a a "coffin chart" based upon how long he "hangs on". He loved it! 1 year = platinum. Year 2 = Mahogany and so on. He wants a pine coffin. Which we determined is 5 years. He asked what happened if he hung on for 6 years and we said cardboard box. But, I digress.

Anyhoo, we're talking about how my family has cold hands and how it's probably Raynaud's syndrome (which I have) and how it's probably genetic and oh, by the way, thanks a lot dad, gramps and uncle for this wonderful "gift". HA. We're all laughing and chuckling and having a grand old time. And then I get back to my house and THIS randomly happens:

Who DOESN'T want stripe-y hands where parts of two fingers are randomly numb? Even though I hadn't been outside in over 1.5 hours and was actually finishing up dinner, and thus, not cold at all.

I just love genetics, don't you? At least my middle finger was still functional...

Super Size It!

2007-02-16T11:43:00.000-05:00

That's what I'll be saying approximately 4/1, when I'm at a bar ordering the biggest drink they have.

As of late:

- Work is all encompassing and totally exhausting. This will end 3/31, when I get a bit of a breather for about 6 weeks. I have 20+ projects and was up late last night and early this morning to make sure 2 of them actually got released with no issues. Make that TWO super sized drinks, s'il vous plait.

- Doctor appointments suck. But you already knew that. Today, I get to go lay in a giant magnet for who knows how long and then at some point, they will roll me out of it, shoot me up with dye, and roll me back in. While my head is in a big metal cage thingy. Let's hope I still have a brain. Next week, I get to have my arm poked as they attempt to extract way too much blood. Make that THREE super sized drinks, por favor.

- Ice sucks. Just in general. But you already knew that, too. Actually, ice only sucks on the roads, on my car, and in my yard. It does not suck in FOUR super sized drinks. Which I need right now.

My grand plan of trying to jump start my social life lately is going slow due to mostly #1 above. However, I plan on having many super sized drinks with many people in future.

I Almost Wish I Had Been Drinking...

2007-02-06T11:50:00.000-05:00

UPDATE: 2/7...BESIDES THE SNOW, I GET TO SAY NAH-NAH-NAH-HAH, UVA IS #1 IN THE ACC, BABY! OK, PROBABLY ONLY FOR LIKE A WEEK, BUT STILL. GO HOOS!

Yesterday, to start my week, the girl who runs the football pool came over with a fistful of cash. And gave it to my co-worker who sits behind me. He didn't even know he'd won 2 quarters. $500. And then she looks at me and says "Man, you were winning for a really long time. So close." Thus starts my week. Close, but no cigar.

THEN last night, I dreamed that I was some kind of child care mediator between Britney Spears and K-Fed. And I was holding counseling sessions with them. Individually. And in my dreams, they were borderline quasi-normal human beings. Sort of.

What the crap? This cannot be good.

I may need to start drinking. I believe I will commence during the MD/UVA basketball game tonight.

And One More Thing...

2007-01-29T20:55:00.000-05:00

I hate about winter:

My normally super dramatic, REALLY picky dog, who won't dare step in the "bathroom" part of the backyard, unless she has to take 20 minutes to choose her spot and GOD FORBID she step in something, likes to munch on frozen dog poop. Ewww. Why oh why? Something that she would give a wide berth to when it's above 32 degrees out, gets super attractive when frozen. And the back of my house faces north, so the dog crap stays frozen longer. Just gross. So now I have to stand out there in -473 degree weather in the dark, and watch her, so she doesn't eat the crap. She also likes to dig up the frozen poop sticks if they've been buried by snow.

Good thing she is NOT a face lick-y dog.

Damn you Killian! Your whole "innocent nun" act works on me NO MORE.

See, your brother doesn't EAT POOP. He is the GOOD ONE. He only ate part of the sofa arm when he didn't feel well that one time. Oh wait, maybe that's why he's crated during the day now. But still. At least he doesn't munch on poop!

Seriously...is it time for vacation yet? I really, really, really need it to be at least April. So I can enjoy THIS, or some such nonsense. Stat. Someone send me a drink or 20.

The Good, The Bad, The Bad, The Bad and The Ugly

2007-01-24T20:24:00.000-05:00

Things about this week.

The good:
- We get free massages at work tomorrow (from a PROFESSIONAL, not a free-for-all geek molestation)
- The cable company screwed up and on one of my TVs, I now have free DVR! I can record anything I want. OK, so I don't watch much TV, but I have a couple shows I might just record. heh-heh
- I get to go to my grandpa's this weekend to hang out with him. He's one cool dude. 90 years old. Fought in D-Day. Makes cheesy jokes.
- With any luck, I'll get the rest of my W-2's and be able to do my taxes. I love tax time! No matter how much I try to break even, I always get some cash back. Woo-hoo!
- Back to my grandpa. He gave me some $$$ to deposit and then donate to charity so I can get the tax deduction next year. Plus a little "finder's fee". Which I will need for a spa day for dealing with the rest of the crapola in this post. See below...

The bad, bad, bad:
- The bruise on my shin from severely whacking it on the deck stairs a few weeks ago is still not gone. What the hell? I know I'm all pasty and whatnot at the moment, but geesh. And it still hurts. And is kind of greenish.
- I am working so much this week, that by the time I leave work, I'm pretty much speaking jibberish. Or in tongues. Hard to decipher Mental exhaustion + driving home = not fun.
- I can't sleep, even though I'm burnt out. See above.
- Work. Sucks.
- Cold weather sucks. Yes, I know it's January. Shut up. It's MY shitty ass week.

The ugly:
- People who are just rude are truly getting on my last nerve this week. I'm about to write a bunch of people off who have no common courtesy. Call it an early spring house cleaning of my friends and acquaintances inventory.
- Two of my main technical guys who don't report to me, but work on my 20ish projects put in their resignations. Not good. I asked one today if he could leave one of his brain lobes behind in case we need his knowledge. I'm bummed.
- Just as I'm about to make a bunch of calls to set up some fun and exciting doctor's appointments and coordinate my health care for February, I get a letter in the mail from my insurance company stating my primary doctor is no longer in the network. Effective immediately. Greeeeaaat. Now I have to find a new one, somehow get them to look at my file, and then direct me on how and who is going to coordinate all the results of the tests and next steps. Oh, and I get to have a lot of blood drawn. A LOT. And get injected with yucky dye. But hey, that's not until NEXT month. Phew.

So for once, I will really be meaning TGIF. Just so I can get some peace of mind and get thoughts of kicking people squarely in the junk out of my head.

Unless you volunteer to let me kick you in the junk. In which case, thanks!

Crap-ola...

2007-01-21T21:19:00.000-05:00

It's snowing. I really, really, really hate snow. Even if it's just a dusting or an inch. Hate. It. I don't ski, and I can't seem to keep my hands warm enough when I'm out in the snow. Not to mention that when I was driving home today from Reisterstown down back to my house when it was only just starting to snow and not sticking to ANYTHING, I saw 7 accidents. Seven. Everything from the dude who hit the divider all by himself and lost a bumper, to the people in the median with a tire problem or spin out, to the "hey, we totally smashed up the front of our SUV in FLURRIES". Betcha a majority of them were yappin' on their cell phones. Or trying DIAL their phones. I had to pass one girl in the left lane in the snow, who was kinda weaving and doing approx. 36 MPH. I passed her finally and she was staring at her lit phone screen trying to dial. Gah.

I was totally hoping for a snow-free winter. Oh well. One day, when I win the lottery and buy that house in Mustique, I'll be snow-free for sure!

Oh wait! It appears to have stopped! Yippeee! Of course, now I have to let the dogs out. They like the snow. I like watching them in the snow. From my kitchen.

Wow...What Year Is It?

2007-01-12T20:15:00.000-05:00

You guys, I'm so far behind the 8 ball when it comes to TV, that the 8 ball is like a very tiny dot to me. I don't watch much TV. Not prime time, anyway. So when everyones talks about Dr. McMuffin or what happened on Lost (and Found) or CSI Des Moines, I really don't know what they're talking about. Like right now. It's after 8 pm and my TV is off.

HOWEVER: I just discovered that I love Scrubs. LOVE IT. So now, I watch it between 7 and 8 and again at 11:30 pm. Because, apparently, I have a lot of seasons to watch. Who knew? Plus, the fact that the main doctor was one of the Bob's in Office Space just makes it that much better.

Hey don't laugh (too hard). I haven't been to the movies since 12/04 and I generally have no idea what movie is playing, nor do I care to pay some ridiculous amount of money to 1) go see a movie that turns out to be utter crap, or 2) get in the same theater as Mr. Cell Phone Talker Jackass. I'll just wait until it shows up on one of my many, many, many movie channels. That way, I can have some booze, pee when I want, stop the movie and finish it the next day, etc.

Thus ends my week. Thank you!

January...

2007-01-10T22:39:00.000-05:00

has officially started sucking. I have nothing interesting to write about. Sorry! I was in Ft. Worth last week for work. Well, not really IN Ft. Worth. More like in the vast flatlands somewhere around Ft. Worth. And for dinner, we went to an Italian restaurant. So much for that steak I wanted! Next month: more fun. I get to go to NJ for work on Valentine's Day. I somehow have to book and go to a billion doctor's appointments in Feb. And have them take another billion vials of blood. Probably by poking my aorta directly. Joyous! Seriously, that is the extent of it lately. We have all be mandated at work to work nights and weekends and whatever it takes to ensure we meet our deadlines. I may have to reward myself with a nice spa day or something after Feb. Sigh. Is it Friday yet? The only redeeming part of my week is that I have a 3 day weekend. Yay!

HNY Everyone!

2007-01-01T10:48:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season.

I am full of hope today. I just KNOW this year will kick ass. I actually can't wait for this year to get underway. Aside from some possible surgery in my future, I can't think of any reason to think this year is going to be ho-hum or crappy. Yea! It's GOT to be better than 2006. 2006 had a few high points, but mostly was filled with stress, anxiety, too much work, and lack of a real life. This year, I will have a life, dammit! OK, maybe after this week, as I have to go to Ft. Worth for work. THEN, I will have a life, dammit!

The kicker is, I'm writing this while I have a headache (sadly, NOT from partying too much last night) and the weather is crappy. And I'm still excited about 2007. Damn, I need to bottle this up and save for future use, when I am stressed out or just need a little boost.

Happy New Year to you all! May 2007 kick ass for all of you!

I've Been Tagged...

2006-12-19T20:41:00.000-05:00

By Katherine!

So, in the spirit of the holiday season, I will play!

A- Available or single? Ummm, isn't this quasi, sort of the same thing? Me no understand. But me is available and single!
B- Best Friend? Yes. Oh, do I have one? Ya, I got a few! To protect the innocent, I will not name names. It's on a need to know basis. HA
C- Cake or pie? Cake (cheese, chocolate, angel food, etc.). Pie is stupid.
D- Drink of choice? Water or wine (not in a "jesus" kind of way).
E- Essential item I use every day. Air. And my eyes. And my bladder.
F- Favorite color: Padparadscha. A pinky-orange. OK, OK. Green. Or possibly purple.
G- Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms? Gummy Feet and also Gummy Sharks. But the white and red bears are pretty good. Nothing says "gum up your digestive system" like Gummy candy.
H- Hometown? Springfield, VA. A.K.A. The Mixing Bowl.
I- Indulgence: Buffalo Wings. Buffalo Sabres. Guys from Buffalo, NY.
J- January or February? February 30th.
K- Kids and names: If by kids you mean "vicious dogs", then Durango and Killian.
L- Life is incomplete without? Fridays.
M- Marriage date: Ummmm, no thanks.
N- Number of siblings: Uno. One crazy sis.
O- Oranges or apples? Depends. Mineola oranges are good. Easy to peel. Love the Clementines. But then again, a crisp red apple is also a true delight. Ah hell, apple martinis.
P- Phobias or fears? Losing things. Earrings, my keys, my sanity.
Q- Favorite quote? "Why don't we all take a 5 minute break. Smoke if you got 'em.”
R- Reasons to smile: I got the Soup Shuffler guy at work fired.
S- Season: Currently? It's supposed to be winter. Duh. Generally, I like summer.
T- Tag 3 or 4 people. I be's on hiatus, so we'll see what happens: Sean, Assclownopolis, Anonymous Coworker, Karizma's Rants
U- Unknown fact about me: I was in Navy ROTC in college and learned to beat the chief at pool.
V- Vegetable you don’t like: After eating many leftover veggies from my party last week for a series of dinners, I apparently hate cauliflower.
W- Worst habit: Making the bed every day. No one is in it but me. The dogs aren't even up there. I can't seem to stop! I need to go to a meeting.
X- X-Rays: Well, I had an MRI on my head this summer. Good news: I have a brain.
Y- Your favorite food? Sports bar food. And wine (hey, it's grapes).
Z- Zodiac sign: Sag. Frickin' 1/2 man 1/2 horse with a frickin' stupid ass bow and arrow.

On Hiatus...

2006-12-04T17:37:00.000-05:00

indefinitely. Blah, blah, blah, holidays, work, tired, sleep, work, work, work. I'm not cut out to be a writer, I don't think. I'm more of a reader!

Have a nice day and happy holidays, everyone!

T Freakin' GIF!

2006-12-01T20:02:00.000-05:00

So it's Friday. Been a long week, even with a day off. My brain has decided enough is enough.

My plans for at least a portion of this weekend? See below...

What Is WRONG With People?

2006-11-30T20:59:00.000-05:00

Has common sense and any sense of decorum or manners or BRAIN CELLS gone completely by the wayside?

So, I am hosting my annual holiday open house soon and sent out an e-vite with all the 411. And two people responded that they would be coming and oh, by the way, bringing their dogs. They didn't ask. They just TOLD. What the fuck? Who does this? Granted, I have dogs, but this is a Christmas party, complete with small children, a tree, lots of food and people, other decorations, etc. And one chick said she was bringing her puppy. The other friend's dog is a scared little mutt thing that shakes all the time. My dogs will be sequestered in my bedroom, for a nice long nap. Or outside, depending on the weather. I don't want 4 dogs in my bedroom, especially if 2 of them are possibly not completely housebroken. Ewwww....

I must just give off a vibe that says, sure, bring your pets. Why the hell not. In fact, I might randomly bring a stray cat to a professional hockey game Saturday.

On an up note, my tree is done...if not just "slightly" (ha) overloaded. Damn butterflies.

It's My Party and I'll SLEEP, If I Want To!

2006-11-27T09:11:00.000-05:00

Another year older today. Gak. But hey, I took the day off, and finally slept in. And it was awesome. My plans for the rest of the day include: lounging, NOT cooking, eating some of the cake my dad brought yesterday, possibly shopping (if all the Christmas crazies have gone), lounging, and oh, lounging.

I Am Speshul - Part Deux...

2006-11-24T20:19:00.000-05:00

Well, not really.

But I was checking the keyword searches for shits and giggles the yesterday and aside from all the people searching for "sharks with laser beams", here are a few amusing, and possibly insulting ones:

- devil dog templates
- humpty dumpty myspace layout
- laser fridges with no doors
- because dude, sharks!
- ricky ullman lookalike
- futuristic trees with laser beams
- frickin'

Alrighty then. Well, frickin' to you too, internet.

Hope everyone had a happy Turkey Day. I had a happy omelet day.

I Am Speshul...

2006-11-16T22:15:00.000-05:00

OK, tired as hell, just got back from a day trip to NJ for a 7 hour meeting. Decided to check my e-mail. I have the following spam subject lines. Perhaps, they really DO know me!

- Underwear you can be overjoyed about!
- crawl
- Are we hooking up tonite?
- Re: the Law
- viscous benevolent
- Ready to Chat

Oh and "Frank" says Hi. He received a brand new Part A today and he will become one this weekend. HAHA

Damn UPS! Or Possibly Damn Me!

2006-11-13T20:41:00.000-05:00

In the wake of basement finishing, dealing with contractors, dust, spackle, drywall, caulk, etc., I decided to go ahead and try to semi-furnish said basement. So, I bought a nifty TV and a super neat-o bandito (hee) TV stand that has a swivel top. With the THEORY that I will be able to swivel the TV towards my exercise equipment so I can watch something other than the wall. Which is a lovely shade of "neutral green", but still, not much to look at for 45 mins.

I set up an appointment for the cable company to come on Wed. to install an additional digital cable box, which means I get eleventy million extra channels I don't need, but may possibly scroll through while "working out".

Then the TV stand was delivered today. Mr. UPS man was kind enough to put it in the house. Because it weighs approximately the same as my dogs if they were wearing cast iron dog sweaters. But there was the dilemma of getting the TV stand box downstairs. So I GENTLY slid it down the stairs, one by one, where it promptly rested on my feet at the bottom landing. Had to prevent a repeat incident of me throwing boxes of stuff (i.e. Christmas trees) down the stairs during basement construction and sort of having the bottom pole of the tree come out of the box and poke a perfectly round hole in the brand new drywall. OOOPS. Anyhoo, I start unpacking Mr. Swivel TV Stand (a.k.a. Frank), and get to the next to the last piece and realize that the baseboard molding part of the bottom of the stand has broken off. Into a bunch of crumbles. Damn MDF-esque material! I had to call manufacturer's customer service line, where I spoke to "Crystal" (apparently "Rachel" was on the phone...she being the one other customer service rep). Crystal kindly asks me what model I ordered and then which part is broken. To which I said "Part A". She had to get a book to look up "Part A". Which is basically the foundation to Frank. They will be sending me another "Part A" and meanwhile, the rest of Frank is in pieces all over the basement floor. Which means me and the various future television channels had to postpone our appointment and reschedule for next Wed. The day before Thanksgiving. Anyone want to make a bet on whether or not the cable people will actually show up?

I just hope my sofa (a.k.a. Andy) arrives in one piece and doesn't crumble!

I'm off to theoretically work out now. While staring at the walls. And listening to my iPod, which will probably theoretically get tangled up in the elliptical handle bars again. That is, if my feet aren't totally crushed by Frank.

I Need My Boots...

2006-11-10T08:01:00.000-05:00

because a good ass kicking is in the not too far distance. Or at least some kickage in the junk.

Let me put it this way...I am coining this week with the day that started with "Bend Over Monday". So work has decided to "unlay" me off and hire me back full time. Yippeeeee. At the same salary. And I lose the "retention bonus" because I got hired back. So 10 months of me working like a dog but being "transitional" gets me nada. And oh yeah, my boss resigned...he has been literally MIA since early October, so I am now officially doing his job (which I've been unofficially doing for the last 6 months). On top of that, I now have 3 direct reports to manage. At the SAME SALARY.

I don't THINK so!

I'll be chatting with a big wig next Tuesday to discuss this. To the same dude who I already discussed this with before and basically said how at the very least it was a stupid policy to withhold the retention bonus for people who stayed on and worked hard. Back then, we didn't know my boss would be resigning. Now, I'm basically doing a whole other job (theoretically).

I'm just glad it's Friday...however, the weekend won't help me much, because I'm pretty sure I'm going to stew about this until at least Tuesday. Let's hope next week does not start with "Insanity Monday". I need chocolate. Or a martini. Or a chocolate martini.

OK, Now I'm Just Amused!

2006-10-31T20:58:00.000-05:00

People often say to me, "you remind of someone I can't place". Or "you look familiar, but I can't place who you look like". OK. I got it. Average. Not a problem!

So, I did the celebrity look-a-like thing online and I must say....seriously, I've seen a mirror and I do not look ANYTHING like most of the celebs they paired my photo with. Or the dude! (OK, maybe the dude and I have sort of the same smile...) Check it out and have a good laugh! I mean, really. This website needs LASIK or something. I am average. These ladies are well above! I am still chuckling! Makes the whole computer crashing/landscape snafu of earlier today just a blip in the past.

Thanks to Anonymous Coworker's blog for giving me the idea and strangely cheering me up!

Well, THIS is Not a Good Start to My Week!

2006-10-30T09:26:00.000-05:00

UPDATE! Tuesday also sucked. Apparently, the automatic updates for the laptop sent my apparently semi-bad hard drive over the edge to ALL bad. It's corrupt. Which means new laptop #3 (#2 was a mandated replacement by the company) tomorrow and once again trying to remember all my friggin' bookmarks. And, in the name of cracksmoking home improvement people, the landscapers finished my front yard today, and for some reason decided that yanking a bunch of shrubs out of my backyard (which was NOT the job I hired them to do) was totally necessary. WTF? I am allergic to some of the shrubs in the back, but I did not tell them to go ahead and ruin the landscaping work I'd done in the back and rip them out. I just learn not to brush up against them. Dumbasses. Don't think I haven't already left thema message. No payment until they replace the mess in the back. For free.

Due to basement remodel stuff, I have to work from home today. So, I log in and apparently, my laptop has some automatic updates. And it asks me to restart. Which I did. And somehow, by the magic of someone who must hate me today, my laptop has blown up. It's says that some file is missing or corrupt and they can't fix it until I get to the office, which won't be today. Bummer. I am totally working via blackberry and cell phone....two things I hate!

Let's hope Tuesday is a little better!

There Goes The Appetite!

2006-10-23T12:20:00.000-04:00

I have now seen what is possibly the worst job EVER to have. Deer parts scraper. On my way to work this morning, there was a big slowdown on the highway. A deer had been hit. Poor deer. Sadly, it had also been obliterated all over the highway. I get to the office and realize that because of some golf tourney today for the company or the department or whatever, no one is at the office. Well, not no one. But very few people. Me and the soup shuffler. So, a few hours later, I decided to leave and work from home. On the way home, on the other side of the highway, I see the deer part scrapers. These poor guys from some road maintenance department have to shovel the ick from the highway and try not to get hit by cars (the bulk of the ick was on the lane dividers). I hope they get paid well!

Needless to say, breakfast was a no-go for me. And lunch isn't looking all too good either.

It's Time...

2006-10-18T17:55:00.000-04:00

To explain me. Or at least things either my friends and/or I think are kinda weird about me. Well, not kinda. Just weird.

- I don't watch much TV. Not the primetime stuff anyway. I generally turn the TV off at 8pm and I have never seen Dr. McNugget/McFlurry, don't watch any of the CSIs, law shows, or fictional medical shows. Or any reality TV like Dancing/Singing/Baking/Knitting/Typing/Spitting/Jogging with the Stars. I mainly watch A&E, Bravo, HGTV, TLC, Style, Discovery, Discovery Health, CNN, MSNBC, History, etc.
- And the weather channel. I have GOT to know about the weather. It's a thing. Back in the days when I lived in NC and could let my dogs out while I was out work, I HAD to know the weather to decide if I was gonna leave them out or in. Now, I just need to know. I am, as one friend calls it, the Weather Ho.
- I don't watch movies. Not in the theater, anyway. I've never seen Titanic, Dances With Wolves, the newer Star Wars, Harry Potter or any of those movies that EVERYONE has seen. If it's not on HBO or one of the other channels I get, I'll probably never see it. And even when they are on TV, I'll probably never see it. I own 3 DVDs. Renting or buying DVDs is out of the question. I just am not motivated to do so and then sit down and actually watch them.
- I do, however, like movies that are historical pieces. Vanity Fair, The Girl With the Pearl Earring, Valmont, that type of stuff. Not sure why. Goes against my usual comedies.
- I've never liked cartoons. When I was little, the "old time-y" cartoons would give me nightmares. My sister doesn't like cartoons either. We never knew any of the old nursery rhymes in our youth, either...except that mockingbird song, which I HATE. And don't even get me started on claymation. Anyway, I'm now proud to say I've seen several animated films, and I liked them. Shark Tale is my favorite so far.
- I'm not a cell phone person. I have one and it's new and cute and all that, but I rarely hear it. I don't ever have it "on" me. And mostly not ever near me. It's usually buried in my purse somewhere and once in a while, I check it to see if there are any voice mails. I use it to call people long distance and that's about it. And Cingular, lovely company that they are, has issues with my street. So I drop a lot of calls. Or, that's what I tell my friends. HAHA.
- I'm also not a text message person, or an IM person with all the jargon that is used. Don't text me, it costs me money on my phone bill. Just pick up the phone and call me. I like IM, but I'm definitely not up to speed on all the abbreviations and jargon. otherwise, i'd type lk ths w/no capitals or periods and say things like how r u and c u l8r. I have a Blackberry for work, but even then, I need to type "regular".
- Punctuation. Bad punctuation drives me nuts. Especially at work. My old boss used no punctuation in e-mails, but instead would do a hard return after every sentence, and then end the sentences with two dashes. It looked like friggin' morse code. --.-..-...---.-.--.
- I make my bed every day. Every. Single. Day. Old habit from my youth. My mom was pretty militant about that, and it made sense. We had cats and dogs and no one wanted them to jump on the bed and get their grime and stink and general pet ick all over the sheets. So, we made the bed and the dogs and cats were allowed on the bedspreads. But not the sheets. Never the sheets.
- Watches. Wristwatches. I love 'em. I have one in nearly every color. I especially like the lime green one from Italy that was only 7 or 8 euros. Most of mine are inexpensive, because they are purely for fun. I'm on the hunt for orange and yellow watches (although I have to say, I don't have a lot of orange and yellow in my wardrobe that would REQUIRE a complementary watch. But hey, I gotta round out the color wheel).

Well, I'm all tapped out now, but I'm sure my buds will remind me of some topics I missed.

My name is Luck O' the Irish, and I'm weird. There, I said it. I'm off to watch the weather channel now, probably whilst I make the bed, read some badly punctuated e-mails, check my cell phone and respond to people via text jargon on my Blackberry. C U L8R!!!

Up, Up, Up and Away!

2006-10-16T11:49:00.000-04:00

So, my sister went skydiving this weekend...

OK, that's not really relevant to this post, but just wanted to denote that she is CRAZY.

No, what I'm talking about is something good. Not a rant! A good thing. And that is the stock market. I loves me some Dow Jones Industrial Average. I am trying to rollover an old 401K into an existing IRA account and had called Friday to get the info on what to do. And just between Friday and today, when I called them back to close the account, it had gone up about $50. Woo-hoo! OK, I know, not massive amounts of excitement for the rest of y'all, but I'm all for making $50 with no effort!

I'm off to do the Up, Up, Up and Away dance...maybe one day I can actually retire and not have to work when I'm 70.

"Choices" and a Dose of Sarcasm

2006-10-10T10:44:00.000-04:00

****I'm so worked up about the following subject, that I said "recrap" instead of "recap" in one of my meetings today! ****

So, our HR dept held some meetings at my office yesterday to review the new medical "benefits". I didn't go to the first meeting of the morning because, well, it was the first meeting of the morning and I had just gotten into work. Apparently, it got a little out of hand. The HR people kept trying to sell the plan as "maintaining an active, healthy lifestyle" and "preventative medicine". Yeah, right. First of all, we are not a senior center and second of all, trying to "sell" the plan isn't gonna work since we have only one choice for a crappy HMO and then we can "choose" plus or basic, both of which suck major ass to the tune of a 27 times higher deductible. Anyway, in the first meeting, they only got through two slides. Chaos!

I went to the second meeting, which was slightly calmer, but found out that if we go in for a "wellness visit", such as a physical, which are 100% covered, and then the doctor finds something, THEN you will be charged for the visit and have to pay as part of your deductible. WTF??? So, basically, this is not health insurance, so much as catastrophe insurance. Unless you are 100% healthy all of the time, all you have to do is pay higher contributions from your paychecks. SCORE! Ugh. Or, we'll all benefit if we get in some horrible accident or fall severely ill the first quarter of 2007, meet our deductible and also the out of pocket maximum right away and THEN we'll be covered 100% for the rest of the year and can get all the brand name, expensive medication we want. Woo-hoo!

I'm off to plot my day for January 1, 2007. Maybe I'll go play on the double yellow line, so I can get the "benefit" of this new insurance.

Choices, Choices...

2006-10-06T16:18:00.000-04:00

OK, so I'm semi-over the cereal thing, although I did try another type of cereal that I did not like, so now I'm out of cereal completely and need to just go back to the kind of cereal I DO like. And, as of this morning, I'm out of bread. Hmmm...maybe I should hit the grocery store later.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

My real beef at the moment is health insurance. My workplace announced yesterday that we are changing our plan for 2007. OK, no problem...we probably just have another provider with similar choices and maybe our insurance deductions from our paychecks go up a bit. I can deal with that.

Nope. Instead, they changed plans to something so asinine that my deductible went up TWENTY SEVEN FOLD . Yes, 27. 2-7. AND, they want me to pay more for that out of my paycheck. Can I get a WTF? Supposedly the new plan "combines affordable employee contributions with higher deductibles". No shit, Sherlock. "Affordable contributions" means you pay twice what we had been paying. And we get two options. HMO Basic or Plus. Now, I've always had HMO...as a single person who rarely goes to the doc, it was just fine for me. I don't think HMOs are all bad...at least not the ones I've had. I go, I pay the co-pay, and that's pretty much it.

But now, I have a medical issue and some of the tests I've gone through have cost upwards of $3000+. For one test. I'll be damned if I have to pay most of that for my next test in about 6 months and THAT is how I meet my deductible. Because I just have thousands of dollars lying around for ridiculous medical deductibles. And the cap before they start paying 100% of costs is twice my new deductible.

So, now I go off into the world of trying to get individual health insurance, which might cost a bit more per month, but has no deductible and no co-insurance. Yes, please. Sign me the hell up.

Yes, I Fell For It...

2006-09-28T09:06:00.000-04:00

That stupid-ass commercial about Kashi foods and how they don't taste like cardboard. I go and buy a $4 box of cereal, thinking, OK, they are putting effort into these commercials, maybe the stuff tastes OK. Not fantabulous, mind you, but OK. All I was going for was OK. I figure, it's "healthy", so all I am asking is that it tastes OK.

Yeah, that stuff tastes like cardboard mixed with shards of twig. Seriously, this cereal has near ping-pong ball-like sized clusters, and has no discernable taste of an actual food of any type. Well, not a human food. It has a tinge of sweetness to it, after you chew the ping pong ball for a good 15 seconds. So I tried smaller pieces, thinking that maybe I was missing something. Nope. All I missed was giving my jaw a good workout and possibly inflicting lockjaw on myself.

After finishing most of the bowl (hey it was $4 cereal!), I spent the next 10 minutes running my tongue over my teeth to try to remove the last bits of twig, that just hang around. GROSS. Who knew twigs and cardboard had fiber AND protein?

I think I'll just go back to small bowls of my regular granola and call it a day. Right after I spend the next 4 hours flossing.

It's An Epidemic!

2006-09-24T19:05:00.000-04:00

My dad has informed me (at this very moment, actually), that he has "Snakes in the Rec Room!". He nailed a snake with a putty knife that was hiding in the wall in their basement. There was something about expanding foam, snake loops, and a drop of snake blood. Much different outcome from "Tyrone" removing the snake from our office stairwell.

Forget the Planes!

2006-09-19T17:30:00.000-04:00

Because today when I was heading downstairs to go out to lunch, I found a motherfucking snake in the motherfucking stairwell. The dimly lit stairwell, might I add.

Now, how did the snake 1) open the door to the front of the building, 2) get a badge, 3) manage to slither all the way across the lobby to the stairwell doors and 4) convince some health-conscious, stairway-takin' person to hold the door open so it (he? she?) could slither right into the bottom of the stairwell?

I KNEW today would be waaaaay better than yesterday.

Earth? Humans? Houston, We Have a Problem

2006-09-18T19:42:00.000-04:00

Oh dear God...it's been one fucking hell of a Monday. Let me tell you what happened. No, there is too much, let me sum up:

- My technical project manager informs me he resigned to go work for a competitor. OK, no problem there, buddy. Way to jump ship in the middle of a freakin' merger. Actually, this isn't so bad, because his replacement is waaaaay better than him.
- My boss blows off our 1:1 meeting AGAIN, even though I asked him to speak with me about setting my bonus goals for this quarter, which ends in, oh, 12 days. Nice. Way to not even call me back to tell me you can't meet, dickhead. After he said the day/time were fine on Friday. I had to go ask our big boss if he was even in the office today. Which he was.
- In my weekly meeting to review all 20 projects in the program, the business people and some other random technical guy who shows up at my meeting decide to LIE to all of us about what is and is not coded. Nice work, dumbasses. After we ended the meeting, the people in the conference room with me uncovered the blatant lie. One of those "we already coded it", which means of course, "we haven't coded it, but it sounds real good, so we'll find a way to code it later, on the side, and then saddle the other team with testing this shit". Yeah, one of the developers in the room with me was like "they called me last week to see what approach we should take to code the effort". So, it's not done.

Not a good way to start off my week. Maybe Tuesday will be better! I scheduled a meeting with the big boss to discuss "side" projects that may be going on. She rocks, so maybe the lightbulb will go on and the ass kicking will commence.

Prepare to kick ass! Preparing to kick ass SIR!

Nah, You Didn't Need The Job Anyway!

2006-09-12T20:51:00.000-04:00

One day at work our CIO sent out an announcement regarding some technical issues that had been logged. An announcement to the entire technology division. Sort of an FYI kind of thing.

And of course, we had the one asshat who accidentally hit "reply all" and sent the following message back to EVERYBODY:

Why don’t we just focus on the root problem?

Obviously the data bits (which are being flexed thru a collectomizer), are stripping the flow-gate arrays into virtual message elements – These are then inevitably failing.

Duuuhhhh.

Ummmm, OK, #1 this doesn't even make sense (especially in financial services) and #2 why would you even want to send this message back to just the CIO, especially with the "duh" at the end? He tried to recall the message, but it was too late. We were having a good laugh at this poor guy in our other location. In any case, the dude who sent it doesn't work at the company anymore. OOOPS. Let's hope he doesn't do it again.

Ludicrous Speed...GO!

2006-09-10T19:13:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had so much on your mind and on your plate in life that you don't really know what to do or focus on? (yes, I ended a sentence with a preposition, so sue me!)

Well, that's me right now. So many large things happening in my life that I can't really get a handle or a focus on any of them. Not good for a project manager. I think I have too many balls in the air (ewww, not like THAT), and I can't get rid of any of them.

So today, I decided to focus on something I CAN control. Cleaning. I spent a perfectly beautiful Sunday cleaning. In fact, right now, I am supposed to be walking my dogs at my favorite time of the day, dusk, but I can't. Why? Because I cut my dog's nails today and accidently cut one too short and it got all bleedy. So, I fixed him up and hours later, he decided to run after his toy and got all bleedy again. I am cleaning up his foot and many bleedy spots on the carpet from the office, across the hall into the bedroom. He's sort of laying still right now, but unfortunately with the bleedy foot resting on the carpet. Walking will have to wait a few more hours.

In other news, I got my bathtub so clean, you could perform surgery in there. After no luck getting out the spots that seem to be ground into the textured fiberglass tub liner for months, I finally poured some Easy Off Bam all over the tub last night, filled it with hot water and left it over night. This is completely contrary to the directions on the bottle. Eh, whatever. Anyhoo, I wake up this morning, drain the water and voila, clean, white bathtub. Ok, ok, so not thrilling news, but hey, if you're cleaning, it's a pretty damn good feeling.

Speaking of cleaning, they finally cleaned out both fridges at work on Friday. And our bigwig exec oversaw the whole thing. It was kind of a funny sight. We'll see if the rest of the kitchen is at all cleaned up as well tomorrow morning. Maybe we'll start a Microwave Blog. Or a Toaster Crumb Blog.

Pre-School or Office? You Decide...

2006-09-08T10:06:00.000-04:00

We had THE GREAT FRUIT SAGA yesterday at the office. Or should I say "office"? It was quite entertaining.

Goes like this:

Person A opens fridge. Bowl of fruit salad comes tumbling out and spills on floor. Person A cleans up spillage and puts remaining clean fruit back in fridge.
Person B and FRUIT BOWL OWNER, gets all mad and leaves a nasty note on fridge about eating other people's food and do we have to resort to name tags on the food.
Person A writes back to "the Fruit Bowl Owner" that the fruit spilled and if B wants to talk about it, to come by A's desk. He added a smiley at the end of that note.
Person C puts up a 2 paragraph suggestion on the fridge about finding the root cause of the spillage. And if it's the fridge, the bowl/lid combo, was there even a lid, or if the fruit was really eaten. Yes, I work in IT.
Person D, puts up a printed e-mail on the fridge that got sent around our other office location about a similar "Great Fruit Accident" that occurred at that office. It is an epidemic, apparently. They also addressed our "Secret Fruit Bowl Owner" in thick, black marker on the e-mail printout.
Person E, puts up a sticky note on the fridge that says if you want your fruit protected, put it in a cake. And that it's entirely possible IT people have never SEEN a piece of fruit before.
Person F, puts up a sign on the fridge that says "Fridge Blog".
Person G, put up another sign on the fridge that says "if you have time to read these comments, you have time to clean out your stuff from the fridge".

OMG, I work in a pre-school! HAHA

BTW, everything on the fridge is typed in LARGE FONT and printed, except for the Person B note. We clearly have too much free time on our hands. This was the one time I wish I had a camera phone. I brought in my camera today, but alas, the two fridges were cleared of all notes. Bummer.

VEGAS: Part 2...Don't Even Ask!

2006-09-03T21:44:00.000-04:00

Here are a few more snippets of some things we somehow managed to experience in Vegas. Check with Carmen's blog later on...she may have the story behind these things explained and possibly some photos from our trip. Edited, of course!

=

__________________________________

+

+ Tesla = MARRIAGE?

__________________________________

I think we definitely need a few more of these:

VEGAS: Have Fun...Part 1

2006-09-03T21:11:00.000-04:00

We did! Here are just a few snippets of what Carmen and I experienced this weekend (not all voluntary!!).

+

= ??

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And of course, the Star Wars slot machine. Because who DOESN'T want the Death Star Bonus?

Where the Hell is Buffy When You Need Her?

2006-08-28T20:31:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, I go in to the lab for more blood work. I have a feeling they will practically drain me and leave me even pastier than before (if that is at all possible). If I could just get rid of the vampire doctors, I might not look like whatever the equivalent of the female Marilyn Manson is in Vegas.

Are We There Yet?

2006-08-24T11:45:00.001-04:00

One week until Vegas (and my sippy cup)! And clearly, I am mentally already there.

I sent out meeting minutes yesterday to a huge team of people and it was just pointed out to me that one of the bullet points read:

- Change all ABC codes over to XYZ Vegas

Yeah, that's not good. Ooops. Of course, it's a nice test to see who is actually reading the minutes. I will seduct them with my sneaky words. HA.

Randomville. Population: Me

2006-08-23T20:59:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm all tapped out for posting these days. But, I've been jotting down some ideas (while at work, of course) and now, I've decided to smoosh all my musings into one post. Mainly so I can get the draft document with my ideas out of my work e-mail draft folder. It stares at me every day when it says Drafts (1).

So here goes...more about me(ish):
- I was concussed by a 60 MPH softball 8 or 9 years ago. Knocked my contact lens right out of my eye. And they tried to cut my clothes off at the hospital (Trauma ER), but I successfully begged them not to. And the guy who hit me in the head with the softball...he had asked me out the week before. Nice.
- I am a science geek. Screw all this banking/financial job crap. I love science. Except physics. More biology. I am always watching discovery, discovery health, TLC, etc. Although my sister made me watch this horrible movie this weekend. I started laughing uncontrollably, even though it was a horror flick.
- I break in new shoes by wearing them while I vacuum the house. But not in a sexy french maid kind of way. Ooooh no. More like a t-shirt and shorts with cute shoes way.
- One of my dogs doesn't answer to her name. It's been 9 years. She answers to Beeky, Lola, La, Chicken, and Snooper Beaks (don't ask...when you live alone, you make up words. Like my favorite faux word from years ago..."seducted").
- I've seen a few memes about favorite words that one likes to say out loud. And then you can't stop saying them. Here are a few of my faves: angst, orb, bilge, copious, slither. Come on. Just say slither. Slither. Slither. Slither. See?
- I am apparently, a very picky project manager. I am having my basement finished and I've been leaving detailed notes for the plumber, the electrician, the drywall crew, etc. Yesterday, I left a note for the insulation guy saying I wasn't sure I had bought enough insulation and so just do the best he could and let him know which areas took priority (rec room = yes. storage closet = no). So, I come home and he's still working so I go say hello and offer him a soda and he asks my name. I say I'm Irish and I'm the one who left the note taped to the insulation bag. He was like, "I can't read English". But hey, he did the whole ceiling and I had 3 bags leftover (I hate math!).
- I hate math. Which didn't go so well with my love of science in college. Hence I majored in Economics. Which also has a lot of math, but I managed to avoid most of it.

Have a good week everyone!

If I Only Had a Brain...

2006-08-13T09:58:00.000-04:00

8/18 UPDATE: Well, the MRIs were not that bad, but it's not fun either. Also, not a nekkid lightbulb a la my dream. Good thing I'm not overly claustrophobic, except now I'm a bit hard of hearing. You would think someone would invent a way to make those things quieter. You know it's bad when they give you earplugs and it's still heinously loud. Only a few days until it's determined if I have a brain or not! HA. Although being injected with a lot of green flourescent-y dye was totally not fun and now I'm sure when I go to Vegas and then Area 51 to look for aliens, I'll fit right in with all the alien glowing. Can I have more tequila now? Or a valium? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
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That piece of that Wizard of Oz song has been stuck in my head all week. Because on Friday, I have to get an MRI of my brain and another of my spine. I guess to make sure I actually have a brain and spine! Here's hoping for two hemispheres! Everyone keep your fingers crossed for both a right and left side!

I had one measly drink yesterday and the weird dreams continue. This can't be good! I dreamed I was having the MRI and I was basically laying on a table underneath a nekkid lightbulb. And the lightbulb was the "machine" taking the MRI. OK, whatever. I blame the tequila.

Sweet Dreams?

2006-08-09T14:50:00.000-04:00

Last night I dreamed that I found a dog. A very cute, stocky/fat, black and white border collie, who didn't bark, but instead said "no". With little pursed black lips. No. No. No. And the dog had a tag that said it lived 178 streets away from me (I live on a numbered street).

I'm not sure what this means, but I do know that I need something and STAT. Like a daquiri.

Humpty Dumpty...

2006-08-02T20:50:00.000-04:00

Y'all, I'm lucky that I am in one piece at the moment. Over the last week and a half, I have developed a horrid case of klutz-itis, it's not even funny. Well, maybe a little, but not really.

I have, in the last 10 days:
- knocked my head on a corner of a cabinet
- run into my coffee table so hard, I have a 3 inch black bruise (so much for wearing skirts to work!)
- cut my finger mysteriously while at Lowe's and got to the car before I realized it was all bleedy and gross
- almost dropped a candle that had been burning for hours on the floor
- cut my leg with the weed wacker (again, no skirts for me!)
- and that stupid weed wacker also cut two of my fingers on the OTHER hand
- burned my hand with boiling water I was transferring from the microwave to the sink (and the pyrex cup was not even full!). And the water got all over the floor.
- knocked over a glass of wine at dinner and it splashed so much that somehow it soaked the wall
- spilled a bottle of water on my desk at work
- tripped over the dog while she was clearly standing still and not really anywhere near me
- managed to eff up cooking dinner one night on the grill: Attempt #1 with a steak proved not good when I discovered the bag the steak had defrosted in had a hole in it and dripped nasty steak juice all over the shelf in my refrigerator. So, had to not cook the steak, since the bag had a hole. And totally remove the fridge shelf for massive cleaning. Attempt #2 to make 2 hotdogs on the grill instead of steak failed when the hotdogs were done cooking and one just decided to roll right off the grill and onto the patio.

I should probably not be operating any type of machinery, including computers, dishwashers, cell phones, cameras, electric toothbrushes, microwaves, TV remotes, iPods, or my wrist watch.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? In relation to the klutziness, I mean. Not for everything else!

On the upside, my fingernails, which don't ever really look super nice due to snagging, breaking, chipping, cracking, etc. have done NONE of these things in probably over a month. I had to get a manicure and ask them to file them all down. That's a first for me! And I'm due for another mani ASAP before typing starts to really drive me nuts and I keep on typing "ass" instead of "as".

The Devil Dog Strikes Again!

2006-08-01T20:28:00.000-04:00

Even on a crappy day, I get to come home and find this hilariousness (I left the red eye and everything!):

The Heat Is Making Me Craaaazy! (well, crazier)

2006-07-18T16:48:00.000-04:00

There is this guy at work, who I'll just call "Mr. Metro". He is my peer and is an interesting guy. He is your basic metrosexual. He's usually in a button down shirt, slacks and weird dress shoes, all from Banana Republic. But today...TODAY, he came in wearing, this short sleeve, bright red, t-shirt-ish like shirt that had a MOCK TURTLENECK. Ohmigod, I could barely stifle a fit of giggles. Plus, some really weird pants. Not slacks, but not khakis either. And not cargos. Oh, and the mock t-neck was kinda too big for him in all parts except the MOCK TURTLENECK part. I think he saw me smiling (possibly biting my lip at this point!) when he walked by, because he asked how I liked his outfit (yes, he said outfit). I asked "is that a Maryland shirt?" (as in Maryland Terrapins red) and he said no, it was his "golf" look. When I asked him if he was golfing today, he said no, he was flying to Nebraska later this evening.

These are the times when I really wish I had a camera phone...

Don't Invest In THESE Companies...

2006-07-14T07:42:00.000-04:00

Reverse rant! Reverse rant!

So I got a new elliptical machine free...had enough points with my credit card to order the machine in lieu of airline tickets. Got the machine, put it together. Sort of. My dad was helping and got a little overzealous with the utility knife and ended up cutting through the wire on the monitor. Damn bubble wrap. Ooops. So, I write the fitness company and ask how I can get another monitor part, that the wire had been cut, and that I was willing to pay for it. After several back and forth e-mails involving the serial number on the unit and my home address, they shipped me and entirely NEW elliptical. Free. So, now I have $900 worth of semi-functioning ellipticals. One now works and the other is new in the box with a broken part (that could probably be fixed and rewired).

Once, I ordered lamps from a popular online store and one of the lamp shades was severly damaged. After contacting customer service, they tell me to ship back the mangled shade in the original shipping box. So I do. A few days later, I got a whole new set of lamps. Free. So, now I have 4 lamps and 3 good shades.

Note to self: Do not invest in companies who are giving away their merchandise!!! I can't wait to begin elliptical-ing this weekend.

Shirts or Skins?

2006-07-10T19:35:00.000-04:00

Alright everyone. Time for another rant. About clothes. No, no, not about how women's numerical sizes aren't uniform in fit and how men have measurements for easy shopping. While that does suck, I'm going to rant about something more basic.

S, M, L

So I went shopping this weekend with the intent on finding some new short sleeve, cute, button down blouses/shirts for work. Casual. Casual tops for women usually are marked with the S,M,L, etc. size designation. No chick really ever says, I wear size 8 tops or whatever. Unless they are getting something that needs to be drycleaned.

I find a cute blouse. GREAT! I grab two sizes, not knowing how the manufacturer cut the clothes to fit. Tried on the small. A wee bit snug in the "girly areas" if ya know what I mean. And you do know what I mean. OK, no big deal, I'll try the medium. Which I will probably buy.

Yeah.

I could have fit 1.5 of me in there. Possibly 1.5 of me plus one of my dogs. What? So, I check the tag. Yup, medium. I get another medium, just in case it was tagged wrong by the manufacturer. Nope, I could still fit way more me in there. What gives? Why such a big difference between two sizes? Can't they make like S, S/M, M, M/L, L, etc.? Like those bras that go with the 1/2 cup size? And of course, this is the only shirt I remotely like and I either have to get all Nicole Richie really fast to wear the small (um, no, I actually LIKE food. A lot.), or start visiting Baskin Robbins approximately 12 times a day to wear the medium. Which actually doesn't sound like a bad idea, given that it is July in Maryland. I'm sure I'd be lactose intolerant soon enough. Dammit.

Hmmm...one of those days...

2006-07-06T19:29:00.000-04:00

I have no idea what to post about. I had a great idea a few days ago and now I don't remember it. I think I'm having a senior moment. No...a senior WEEK. UGH.

So, in lieu of whatever my idea was, I'll give you "fun" facts about me.
1) I have a new-ish tattoo (ok, you know that from my profile pic, but I was in a meeting at work today, and 1/8" of it poked out from the cuff of my slacks and the woman sitting next to me was totally fascinated. She stared at my pant leg for an hour, but didn't say anything.)
2) I was in Navy ROTC in college for a while. Not on scholarship. I CHOSE to join. Chicks in polyester bell bottoms...not a good look. Especially marching around a stadium. But, you all know that.
3) I'm really good at writing resumes. The % of people who got jobs after I re-did their resume is pretty high. Maybe I need to start a side business?
4) Two of my favorite guilty pleasure foods are: Chili con queso and buffalo wings
5) I used to get the following magazines back in Jr. High: Hockey something or other, Tennis something or other, and Boating something or other. That lasted a year before I discovered Seventeen and the like.
6) I enjoy doing photography that I can turn into wall art. Love the "artsy angle".
7) Two things I wished I could do and wish I had started when I was a kid: Play the piano and speak a foreign language fluently.
8) I once gave a boyfriend poison oak THERE. Not on purpose. I didn't know I had poison oak at the time. The conversation where I had to inform him I had given him "the oak" was kinda funny.
9) I am pretty good coordinating paint colors...I have a few friends who want me to visit them in NC just so I can help them pick out colors for their house and their "accent walls" and whatnot.
10) I have "the eyeball"...for some reason, I can pretty much estimate measurements without using rulers, tape measures, etc. It's kind of weird. Although it makes for hanging stuff on the wall pretty easy.

Get Ready For The Bob Barker Treatment!

2006-06-28T19:20:00.000-04:00

OK, not really. But allow me to get on my soapbox for a moment. AHEM....

PEOPLE: Please put a frickin' collar and tag on your dogs. With your current home address and a working phone number. Seriously. Thank you.

I am somehow the "dog lady" of the neighborhood. In the 2 years I've lived here, I've found a lot of dogs. Some follow me when I'm walking mine, some are wandering near the busy street and some my neighbors find and then come over to get me, because supposedly, I know what to do. (I was also the "dog lady" in my old neighborhood in NC, but not nearly as often as here)

Tonight, the dog was lucky, It was in my front yard, cute, little, white and super friendly. It had a collar and a rabies tag. Ummm, I'm not a walking rabies tag identification database, so that doesn't help much. So, I call the number on the tag, which is a vet office. And luckily, they are open (this is early evening-ish). Anyhoo, I give them my 411 and they call the owner and then the owner calls me. They lived one street over. Had no idea their dog was missing, but left the gate open while they pressure washed their house. Now, we all make mistakes, but be smart people! A simple $3 tag with the address and phone number and I could have your dog back to you in less than 5 minutes. I've had dogs that have had to stay overnight in my basement, had to stay outside, etc. For the sake of the dog and me, I'd like to get you your dog back ASAP.

Geesh.

This Rain Sucks Ass

2006-06-27T07:43:00.000-04:00

I'm about to get out my arm floaties. UGH.

So, in order to distract myself from the rain, here is a cute picture.

Note: this is how the dogs look "normally". These days, they resemble large, drowned rats. Who smell. Eau de wet dog is predominant in my basement lately. And the sad thing is, I just gave them an actual bath last week.

I'll be back soon, provided my house doesn't float away or that frontal lobotomy finally occurs.

Fun for Everyone

2006-06-23T20:25:00.000-04:00

I was going through all my "must save" e-mails and whatnot and found a bunch of funny stuff I just need to share. Enjoy! (If I could figure out how to upload .WMV clips, I've got a few of those too that just crack me every single time I see them.).

Calling all women....
http://www.badgirl1.com/PMS.htm (with sound...just wait a few seconds)

And at Overstock.com:

Phone records? What phone records?
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-wh-nsawiretapping,0,1906650.flash (with sound)

The dialectizer...read your favorite blogs in the dialect of your choice!

http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/

Best Father's Day EVER!

2006-06-19T20:51:00.000-04:00

Well, for me, anyway. HA

My dad is the greatest! I went to my parents' house yesterday armed with a bottle of local Merlin wine (it wasn't half bad), a card and the gifts I had bought them in Egypt.

And my dad, awesome dude that he is, prepared a fabulous Father's Day dinner. Thanks Dad! Steamed shrimp, steak on the grill, corn, potato salad, fruit salad, bread with garlic oil. YUM.

Now, my family is weird. Weird sense of humor, weird, weird, weird. Including me. My parents have 3 dogs. Two basset hounds and one huge newf/lab mix. So, I was petting Molly, the white with red freckles basset hound and saw this green spot in her fur on her back. It was the size of a quarter, at least. I ask what it is. It's toothpaste, that had somehow fallen off someone's toothbrush. Alrighty then. I ask why it's still on her back, kind of set in. And this is the response I get: "Well, we thought the big dog would lick it off, but he wasn't interested in toothpaste, so we put some butter on the spot to see if that would entice the big dog to clean off the toothpaste". Ummm...WTF? So, you put BUTTER on your dogs' back so the other dog would lick it and the toothpaste off? Yeah, this is my family. When a washcloth just won't do. Please God, do NOT let this gene be passed on any further than it needs to go.

In any case, I had not seen the big dog in over 3 months and when I saw him yesterday I was stunned. He's big and everything, but holy cow, he now looks like an oversized beer keg walking on 4 toothpicks. That poor dog. After I stopped laughing at him (and hugging the poor beast), I convinced my parents he needs to go on a diet ASAP. Which means no more butter and toothpaste!

I Only Have 3 Questions...

2006-06-13T17:47:00.000-04:00

1) Is it Friday yet?
2) Where are all the nice, normal-esque, available, breathing men in this state?
3) Is it Friday yet?

I think I need a nap. Or a lobotomy.

I Had To Go & Get Medieval On Their Asses!

2006-06-08T20:34:00.000-04:00

Well, not truly evil. I save that for when I *really* need it. Talked to the boss-man today. Explained exactly how I am getting screwed over, blah, blah, blah. He was empathetic and we'll see what happens. It's possible I have an interview with another company. Then, my old boss gets in on the action and is totally irate about people/me getting screwed over and fires off this e-mail to HR and the VP demanding to know the logic behind the policy. Go ex-boss!

On an up note, my Egypt bud said the photo prints she ordered came out so much better than they look online. And they look pretty darn good online. I'm psyched to do my artsy thing with the photos and get them in 11x14 frames to hang in my hallway (the only blank wall space I have left).

Meanwhile, in Soup Shuffler news, he was interested in hearing about my vacation today and then decided to go on a 5 minute diatribe about how he went to India about 47 centuries ago and how the Taj Mahal looks. All of this in a very loud voice, of course. This was followed a few hours later by slurping of the soup. Maybe I DO need a new job...for more reasons than stated in paragraph one.

Well, well...

2006-06-07T10:01:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday. Whoopty-freakin'-doo. I'm back at the office, trying to lay low and be minimally productive. So far, so good. The Soup Shuffler is still here. And apparently, while I was gone, turned the ringer volume on his phone to the level of "airplane engine". He gets calls sporadically, but man, when his phone rang this morning, I instantly woke up. Does he not KNOW I was out last night and am still tired from my vacation? Geesh. I think I'm going to have to sneak over there with my army of sharks and turn the ringer volume down later today.

Meanwhile, here is another Egypt photo that is one of my faves (I really, really wish I was still there):

Photo credit goes to: Gone To Plaid (excellent use of her fancy camera)

Mondays are goooood...

2006-06-05T10:23:00.000-04:00

Well, sort of. I have returned from Egypt with my bud Gone to Plaid. It was phenomenal! She has many good pics which should be on her blog shortly (see link on right).

Here is one of my favorites:

We thought these statues looked like storm troopers from Star Wars. Really ancient storm troopers.

Slowly recovering from the trip. I'm tired, but can't seem to sleep more than 6 or 7 hours. Not helping is the sound coming from somewhere on my street. It sounds like some drunk just picked up a set of bagpipes. I'm really hoping that is not the case and it's just some sort of machinery. Ugh. Time to take a nap. Or shoot my bagpipe neighbors using the force of the storm troopers.

m m m m m m m

2006-05-24T09:07:00.000-04:00

Yup, today's post is brought by the letter "m". Thanks to Gone To Plaid for the gracious assignment of the letter.

1. Me - my initials are MM
2. M&M's - love me some chocolate. Plain and Peanut!
3. Money - I like it. I need it. And my job is screwing me over regarding it.
4. Merlot - After years of not liking wine in my early/mid 20's, I now love merlot.
5. Mad - I rarely get angry or upset, but when I am, watch out! (see #3)
6. Mint Chocolate Chip - my favorite flavor of ice cream.
7. Murano - I have a lovely Nissan Murano. Oh, and I have a small collection of murano glass.
8. Miami Ink - my TV favorite show I actually *try* to remember to watch.
9. Merde - French for Sh*t. And on Sunday, when we are watching the light show at the pyramids in Cairo, IN FRENCH, we might be saying this a LOT.
10. Merlin - where I live. OK, OK, it's Maryland, but with the accent here, it sounds like Merlin.

Damn, It's Almost Monday Again

2006-05-21T20:34:00.000-04:00

For the first time in a long time, I dread going to work on Monday. I found out Friday that my job is essentially screwing me over. A job that I actually like. Apparently, the hardworking people get nada, and the slackers are getting a 30% bonus. Nice. I'll be having a little chat with my boss dude this week, so we'll see how that goes. Either way, I'll be leaving early every day this week. Why not!?!

And The Ideas Just Keep On Comin'...

2006-05-18T09:14:00.000-04:00

Over the course of my existence, I've come up with a lot of wacky "business ideas". In college, my friend and I came up with Crotchbat. Nothing like a little (well not LITTLE) Crotchbat to keep a guy in line. We even had prototype drawings. There was the one with spikes all over it, the one with the boxing glove that popped out the top, and my personal favorite, the one with the medieval mace on the end of it. Attached with sturdy chain, of course.

My latest idea (or mental blip), came about after a death in the family. My family has a weird sense of humor, so the wake was somewhat of a "party", rather than a depressing event.

Anyhoo...here's what I'm thinkin': Paint Your Own Urn

Come on, there is potential OPPORTUNITY for everyone to need this product! Have you ever gone in a pottery painting place and thought "I'll never use the item, but I guess I'll paint it anyway"? You paint an urn, you will DEFINITELY use it. We'll just have to make sure there are good, tight lids for these things. I wouldn't want my ashes to end up all over the floor and then end up in a vacuum canister. No one wants to put a vacuum canister on their mantle for display...

So, any takers? Paint Your Own Urn? How about when I tell you the acronym would be PYOU? No? Are you sure? OK...back to the drawing board.

Should I Be Scared?

2006-05-16T15:49:00.000-04:00

I just got back from the dentist. I'm not really afraid of "dentist pain" (see tattoo entry below!) anymore.

However...my dentist, who seems like a nice guy, doesn't just clean your teeth at the 6 month checkup. Nooooo, this man SANDBLASTS your teeth. And tongue. And gums. And roof of your mouth. What happened? Is there some new dental technology out there that essentially gives you free dermabrasion? The grit is now all over my face, in my hair and probably up my nose (although I'm not going to check THAT). Yuck. What happened to the little whirly polisher thingy with the flavored polisher paste that was either cinnamon or mint? Am I old school for not wanting to have my taste buds removed with the machine of death?

In other dental news: While I was waiting to be called to back, I discovered, via large framed article on the wall, that my dentist is also a beekeeper. WTF? Who would have EVER put those two things together? Then, as I'm in the chair, right before I get sandblasted, I find out that my dentist is going to try to get his dog pregnant tomorrow. Ummm, OK. Not only that, but he has to take his dog to somewhere in PA, to an Amish farm. Where he will promptly give his dog a couple hours to get pregnant. Yeah, nothing says romance like some random Amish farm, while someone waits around for you to get pregnant. Sign me up...NOT!

Did someone FORGET the anesthesia?

2006-05-15T07:51:00.000-04:00

OK, so almost two weeks ago I got a tattoo (see profile picture). I’d been thinking about it for years and toying with a custom design (all in my head, of course) for probably almost a year. I totally love it, despite the gross peeling phase of RIGHT NOW. It has a lot of deep meaning for me, in remembrance of a friend.

And unfortunately, when the stencil was first applied on my ankle-esque region, it was too high. Creeping into definite “side of leg” territory. I had these scratches on my ankle region from remodeling my bathroom. Or whatever. I really can’t remember how they got there. I think one was from the pedicure I had beforehand to purty up my feets before said tattoo application. Anyway, there were scratches. And the artist, who is friggin’ fantastic, said she really couldn’t tattoo over scratches. She’s the professional and has co-written the health codes for the industry, so I trust her.

So, we move to Stencil Part Deux. She moves it lower onto my ankle parts and it looks great. Really, really great. I’m happy and just want to hurry up and get started. I pop my iPod on and hop up on the table and get into a position (nooo, not THAT kind of a position) so she can work on the ankle-y region. The quasi-ankle, if you will. She tells me she’s going to do the first line. I take a deep breath, release it and wait for the needle.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD. It hurt like nobody’s business. And I have a high tolerance for pain. Ya know, being a chick and all. I thought, if this is what the whole tattoo process is going to feel like, I might actually have tears running down my face by the end of it. Horrid pain. Like someone slicing open my foot. But, after about 5 minutes or so, she moved up my ankle-like region and the pain became waaaay more tolerable. Until she returned to the lower part of the tattoo. For the 3rd or 4th time. OHDEARGODMAKEITSTOPRIGHTNOW!

After about 45 minutes or so, she’s finally done. FINALLY. I unclenched my hands from my shirt and unclenched other unmentionable parts and got up to look. And it was fabulous. And then I looked closer. And closer. And realized that the tattoo had gone right over pretty much the entire area of knobby ankle bone. The one that sticks out. That has pretty much no fat or tissue on it. And then I realized why there was slicing, searing pain. And when my friend, who had the appointment after me went in the back for her stencil application, I warned her…NOT ON THE ANKLE BONE! Stay away. Or run away. Red alert, red alert! So, as my bud is getting comfy on the table (nooo, not THAT kind of comfy), she and the artist start talking colors for part of her tattoo. And it is only then that I learn that apparently, with the curlicue lines on my tattoo, the artist had gone over them FOUR TIMES. Four frickin’ times. Four times the slicing. Ultimately, a good idea, because the lines will stay sharper for much longer.

Armed with that brand new information, I bid my friend adieu for a couple of hours (so she could get sliced) and took my nicely bandaged foot-esque region and hobbled across the street to the grocery store. Although I would have liked to hobble to the nearest bar and down a few shots of “anesthesia”. Twas not to be, but I do love the tattoo and one day, waaay the hell in the future, when I forget about the searing pain, I might actually consider another one. Maybe. Only this time, with tequila. Or an epidural.

Work, schmurk! Soup anyone?

2006-05-11T17:36:00.000-04:00

I work in a place that makes the movie “Office Space” THAT much funnier. I’ve got the guys who have the Star Wars shrines on their desks, the plastic toy solider men everywhere and lots of discussions about exceedingly technical things that apparently warrant a 20 minute debate at extreme decibels. Even though the “debaters” sit within a 12 foot space. Of course, in my row of cubes, we have the guys who have the ongoing debate and subsequent boycott of the restaurant that went from three tacos for lunch to two. Okaaay… Not to mention “the burper”. A couple months ago, “the burper” was thankfully moved to another place on our floor. “The burper” used to sit on the other side of the wall from me. Super nice guy. But….

Anyway, in the space across the aisle from me, they put a contractor in the cube. This guy seriously looks like Grandpa from “The Simpsons”. He wears these ginormous headphones that remind me of baggage handlers on the tarmacs of airports. And he doesn’t talk. For a few weeks, he said nothing, except we introduced ourselves to each other one morning. Then, one day, out of the blue, he was on the phone and talked so loud, I nearly jumped out of my skin. Something about building sheds. I’m thinking maybe he either needs to turn his phone headset up or his gigundo music headphones down. I guess the phone call was a diversion from playing solitaire all day. And before his quittin’ time of, oh, about 1:45.

So this guy, nice as he seems, has a routine that he performs EVERY SINGLE DAY. He brings in the Cup O’ Ramen soup and what can only be described as various soup fixins’. And he has a huge soup bowl (possibly used for family size salads!) and a plate. Plus chopsticks, an asian soup spoon, and a knife. The process/experiment begins by him stacking all of these things up in a precarious tower and do what I can only describe as SHUFFLE to the kitchen. Which is not too far away. He goes in there with the tower o’ stuff and proceeds to chop veggies or whatever the hell ingredients he brought and somehow “cook” this veritable fancy Ramen soup in the microwave. Then, he puts the plate on top of the bowl and shuffles back to his desk. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

So, whilst my coworkers and I are dumbfounded that he does this every day, plus we are in awe at the amount of sodium he is taking in, we recently discovered something. He slurps. Thankfully, the 5 feet of buffer space I have from being across the aisle does not carry the slurpy noises to my desk. But my poor coworker who sits behind him was just about tearing his ears off. He was furiously IM’ing me to see if I could hear it too. Nope, couldn’t hear it but could definitely smell it. And it did NOT smell good. Mr. Slurpy takes about an hour to “eat” this stupid soup. An HOUR. This could be attributed to his clear ineptitude of chopstick use. Then, usually, when he is done, he stacks everything back up, shuffles to the kitchen and cleans his wares. And occasionally runs the garbage disposal. I have deemed him the “Soup Shuffler”. Sounds like he should have a cape or something.

We are all discovering the adventures of the Soup Shuffler in our area and are trying really hard not to crack up. Kinda hard when holding our noses… More adventures to come!

Freaks of the Universe - Take One

2006-05-10T11:50:00.000-04:00

OK, so my good friends know that I have this weird knack for attracting all manner of freaks. Even while just walking down the street. I decided to see if I could remember a selection of freaks that I've somehow attracted that I did NOT meet online (online dating is a whole other realm of freaks!) . And sadly, this list also excludes college...which sort of gets a "bye" in the world of dating.

So, here we go...

Golf Boy - the guy I first "dated" (if you can call it that) when I moved to NC. I think we asked to borrow an empty chair near him at a concert. Bad move. He stocked and counted golf balls at some golf course club shop for his job. And lived with his parents, who had this overbearing ivy theme in their house. Anyway, this guy tried to woo me back with a sticky Post-It note attached to the front door of my apartment. A sticky note! With a lot of incorrecly spelled words. I really wish I had kept that sticky note for posterity.

Bra Guy - Several years later in NC, I met Bra Guy. Went on a ski trip with a group of people and he decided to announce to me, in front of an audience, "I like bras!". Ummmm, okay... He also thought that because I worked at a bank, that I knew how to get him a Discover card. And if replacing a broken tile in his condo's bathroom would highly increase the value of the property. Yeah, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, this one. Needless to say, we didn't "date" long.

Vegas Guys - OK, OK, we all know Vegas is a virtual freak show. Free entertainment is what I like to call it. And maybe it's the House of Blues that really has the weirdos, but in any case, here are two guys who randomly thought they could entice me in Vegas:

The guy who told me I had a "nice backyard" and despite the fact I was exhausted from dancing, thought that by repeatedly complimenting my backside...oops, I mean backyard, he could eventually get me to dance.
The guy who came up to me while I was resting on short set of stairs after dancing and decided that the way he could get me to dance with him would be to TAKE OFF MY SHOE and touch my foot. My sweaty, danced out foot. Ewwwww. WTF? I really hate people touching my feet, save for pedicures. But to take off my sandal and try to touch/caress/massage my foot at a dance club? Not good.

So, that's a small sampling of the people I somehow attract. Yeah, maybe it's me! But, in cases where I'm just walking down the street, minding my own business, and STILL get the freaks attracted to me, I just don't know how to adjust for that. Stop walking down streets, maybe?

I'm sure there are more that I've forgotten, plus a whole other series of posts on guys who were not weird, that I actually dated on purpose, plus the whole bevy of online dating stories.

But alas, I must get back to my job...the laser beams need attaching!

Ciao.

Day 1 - The sharks are coming!

2006-05-09T16:51:00.000-04:00

OK, not really. But I had to post SOMETHING to set up this blog and make it look all cool and stuff. So, consider this a non-post post and I'll be back later with a real laser-y post.